Why?

Why? Why? Why? How many times have you asked yourself this question? It’s not an exclusive question to someone who has or has had cancer. If the voice in your head was a real person, you would look at them like they were completely fucking mad! I read that in The Untethered Soul, by Michael Singer, a great read by the way. My ‘whys’ used to be so much simpler, although at the time they seemed so significant. Many whys will go away or can be solved by actions, my ‘cancer why’ is forever present.

So, when I was diagnosed, I asked myself why? Why me? What did I do wrong? Why is this happening? Why? It is on repeat in your head like a dripping tap, slowly making you go crazy. It’s like your leave your physical body and are an observer floating around. Nothing seems real anymore. How can this be happening? The days following my diagnosis are all a blur, in fact apart from dates which I logged like seeing a doctor or having a procedure, I don’t remember a lot. I think my mind shut down to protect itself. Damian is the same, he will always say “How did we get through those first days and weeks?” Even now, over two years since my diagnosis when, I have to go and do routine bloods and checks, I ask myself why? Is this life now? That being said, I have learnt to cope more, I don’t have a perfect solution or set routine but as previously talked about I try my best to stay calm and treat it like any other chore that needs to be done.

Often, questioning why can be associated with victimisation, like somehow we can magically stop our minds asking this question. We might even start internalising it, sometimes, I don’t like to talk about it as people don’t want to hear the truth; they can’t handle it but expect us to. Do you ever feel like you have to keep your shit together, so not to upset other people?

Since mum died, I had a new why, why did she have to go so young? Why did she have to suffer? Why couldn’t I have been there with her? Why did Covid come? The endless list of whys will torture you if you allow it to. So, what am I trying to say? I suppose that there will always be another why, some we can control and others, we cannot. I was recently told by a wonderful lady, Michelle who happens to be my friend and a Life Coach that we cannot put a plaster on our pain. We must try and process the old and learn to accept our new situations, whether that be living with cancer, loss, mental health issues, work and/or partners and so on. I’m not going to give you some inspirational speech now, just that I hear you and I hope you find a way to live with the whys…. I don’t think they are going to leave anytime soon!

Another one of my whys, is why aren’t I writing more? So, I am trying to work on that by, guess what…..writing more! Life can be so simple sometimes but I love to over complicate it. This is me trying to take charge of areas that I can! So, I will be popping my head up more!

Love Jojo xoxo