But I don’t want to go there…

Where is there? It’s the future, even just a few weeks ahead gives me palpitations.

My husband I had a feedback session with my daughter’s psychologist this week. She was talking about Arabella’s schooling and how there’s a good high school called bla bla in bla bla near where we live….it was only chit chat but I secretly sat there wanting to cry. I cannot deal with the future because, I am scared I may not be there and I have worked so hard to live in the present moment, but that doesn’t mean that the future doesn’t pop up though! I had to calm my thoughts and recenter – that is all I can do! I cannot see into the future, no-one can but my diagnosis came with unwanted statistics, which I do ignore, but on occasions, they are screaming in my face!

All these thoughts and my anxiety are being heightened because I have a PET scan next week to complete my treatment plan, after my recurrence in October 2021. My chemotherapy finished in June and now we are doing a routine check. I had got comfortable, for want of a better word, doing my chemotherapy (it was anything but comfortable) and there was no need for any scans. So, I have had five months ‘scanxiety free’ and now I have to face the reality of regular scans again.

I also started therapy last week, I saw a psychologist. I am not sure how I feel about it. We agreed that I would see her before my PET scan, but I am feeling anxious about that session. I understand that talking about issues can help but I am sitting on the fence. I suppose it’s because I am shifting from a comfortable place, that I feel in control of, to an unknown space. Is it growth ?! Feels painful to me.

That coupled with talking about my mum and her death. It’s hard to decipher which part is causing the most angst! I have spent a lifetime of ‘coping’ and I very much don’t like the idea of dragging up the past, or worrying about the future. Therapy likes both. Perhaps, it can equip me to deal with life if I go to these two places, as uncomfortable as it may be. I’m willing to give it a try if it can help me in any way. Many friends in the ‘community’ have said, it’s really helped them to process stuff, and I trust those friends.

So, I am heading into the wilderness, with high hopes! Wish me luck!

If you have any clue about what I am feeling, drop me an email, I would really love to hear from people who have had/having similar thoughts.

Love, Joanna xx

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